The Ordeal of Being Known – Steven Univervse (AU), Steven x Peridot / Stevidot

[thecrazyalaskan]

Title: The Ordeal of Being Known
Author: TheCrazyAlaskan
Fandom / Setting: Steven Universe — AU
Characters / Pairings:Steven Universe x Peridot
Rating: T+
Word Count: 2677
Warnings / Notes: TW: parallels to conversion therapy // Written for Round XI of Hurt / Comfort Bingo: Forced Marriage; appropriately of age Steven, transman Peridot
Summary: "If you want to enjoy the rewards of being loved, you also have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known." — Tim Krieder, I Wrote This Book Because I Love You: Essays

So a little world building: Homeworld is less a single entity and more of a confederation of houses, headed by their respective Diamonds (and ultimately ruled over by White Diamond's house). As such, there's tension between the houses in varying degrees. Enter Peridot, chosen to represent Yellow Diamond's House, and Steven, born and raised among the nobility of his mother's house rather than on Earth.

so help me god if you come at me about peridot's pronouns I'm going to personally come to your house to steal all your toilet paper

The silence in his commanding agate's office was profound, and part of him wished that she would get on to the reprimanding and be done with it. Instead, she was deeply absorbed in the contents of a data pad, frowning thoughtfully as she read.

At length, she laid the pad aside and levelled her gaze (cool, neutral… inscrutable) on Peridot. "Lieutenant, I just don't understand."

This… wasn't how the reprimands usually started. "Begging your pardon, Commander Agate?"

"Your service record is exemplary," she replied, gesturing to the pad, "and your skills as a technician are unparalleled—and then there's… this conduct—it's simply unbecoming of a Gem of your station."

Peridot bristled internally, but swallowed the reaction like a bitter pill. "May I ask what conduct you're referring to, Commander?"

"Your little—" She lifted her hands to curl quotation marks around the phrase, wordlessly damning him—"'social experiment.'"

"I stand by my belief that the experiment is valid," he said, gaze fixed firmly on the wall just behind his commander's head. "Someone has to study the impact of introducing human masculine pronouns identity to our society—" At least, that had been the initial goal. Truth be told, from the moment he referred to himself as… well, him, it had felt impossibly right.

"That's something for the scientists of Lady Blue Diamond's court to worry about," the agate replied brusquely before picking up a second data pad, which she held out to him. "But I believe we've found a solution to your… confusion."

Color rushed to Peridot's cheeks—confusion!—as he accepted the pad and read its contents. The more he read, the more it felt like ice water down his back, and were his hands shaking right now? "Is… Commander, I don't understand—is this a contract for a proposal of marriage?"

"I've been in contact with the acting heads of Lady Pink Diamond's house," she confirmed. "Prince Steven will be coming of age in the next week and taking the throne shortly after that—and an alliance needs to be secured between our houses anyway."

"What does Lady Yellow Diamond have to say about this?" Peridot found himself clinging to the idea that surely Yellow Diamond wouldn't see any tactical value in marrying off her best technician—

The agate shrugged lightly, as if Peridot's concerns were of little consequence to her. "Already approved of the match."

It was that simple to her? To simply offer a Gem to someone without consideration of his feelings? "Well—His Highness still has to accept the proposal—" he reasoned.

"He already has." She stood, and Peridot mindlessly snapped to attention. "This time next week, you'll be Lady Peridot of the House of Pink Diamond."

The title made him balk—no, it made him want to crawl out of his own form. It felt wrong, it sounded wrong, it was wrong—! "Commander I have to protest—"

The agate stood, her presence imposing and killing Peridot's protestations on his tongue. "You don't get to," she warned. "I gambled on this, Lieutenant—you think anyone else would have offered the hand of a Gem with your…" She eyed him with disgust. "Your tendencies to a prince? Never—not when there are dozens of Gems far more qualified than a confused peridot."

She leaned across the desk, imposing and menacing in a way Peridot had never truly feared before. "Consider yourself lucky this is what's being asked of you—or perhaps you'd prefer to explain yourself to your Diamond?"

♢♢♢

Military uniforms were unbecoming of a princess (or at least a princess to be).

Not for the first time this morning, Peridot fussed with the neckline of the dress into which he'd been forced. It had been tailored, no doubt using a peridot of similar size and build for a model, to highlight and accentuate the figure he'd previously concealed under his uniform. He'd always been ambivalent about it before, and now found himself longing for it.

He tugged at the neckline again, smoothed out invisible wrinkles in the skirt, straightened the brooch served as sign of his native court, crossed and uncrossed and recrossed his legs. The sitting room in which he'd been deposited to wait for the prince (your fiancé, a small voice in the back of his thoughts reminded him) was luxurious, but cloying and feminine and oppressive—a gilded cage.

And then there was the spectre of the wedding itself looming over him. Power had fully transitioned from the acting heads of the court to Steven, his mother's sole heir, nearly a week ago—the same time his betrothal had been announced, much to the delight of publicity columnists the empire over. Had it been any other Gem, Peridot wouldn't have paid it any mind—but he was the fiancée about whom everyone was gossiping. How was he supposed to fit into this world of plush settees and soft pink roses and Rose of Sharons—and as a feminine Gem to boot?

He was puzzling out the question when the door opened and a small entourage of Gems and attending pearls entered. Peridot stood in the middle of the room, standing up straight, trying to project a sense of confidence—not to mention even an iota of femininity, and not the impression of being a poor bastard in a cocktail dress.

In the middle of the cluster of Gems was the prince himself. He looked no different from the official portrait Peridot had been provided, and he'd been seen in countless telecasts since his youth, but seeing him in person was wildly different. His stature, significantly taller and broader than Peridot, was undeniably one of a Diamond, but the curves of his face betrayed one of the Gem empire's best kept secrets, that he was half human. His entire appearance was finnessed, designed to remind even the most casual observer of his station—

And Peridot had been betrothed to him. No pressure, right?

"Your Highness, this is Lady Peridot," the seniormost pearl announced, gesturing to introduce Peridot, "representative of Her Highness Yellow Diamond's court and your affianced."

Peridot barely managed to suppress a gag at the titles when Steven moved toward him, hand extended. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Lady Peridot." His human lineage made his voice significantly less imposing than those of his aunts, but there was a warmth and sincerity that made it fill the room all the same.

Peridot accepted his hand, remembering at the last moment to bend his knees in a curtsey. "It's an honor, Your Highness." Stars, he didn't even sound like himself…

"The honor is mine," he said, offering Peridot's hand a squeeze before releasing it. "I'm glad the alliance is going forward."

That makes one of us. "As am I."

Steven smiled, an expression that lit the room like a sun, before squeezing and releasing Peridot's hand. "I'm sorry to meet and run, but I have other meetings to attend," he said. "I'll see you tomorrow morning?"

The words were gentle, but dug at Peridot's very soul—tomorrow morning,the wedding. "Of course, Your Highness. I… I'm looking forward to it."

It was a bad lie, but he'd been doing a lot of that lately.

♢♢♢

Peridot never thought there would be a day when he missed a cocktail dress, but the fluffy satin pastry of a wedding dress into which he'd been forced made him practically pine for it. Coupled with the fact that hundreds of eyes were on him, watching his every move, judging his worth—at least when he managed to croak out an I do, it could be chalked up to nerves.

Opposite him, Steven looked the opposite of the way he felt—calm, confident, happy. If he had regrets or reservations, Peridot couldn't see them in his eyes, a rosy brown that spoke to his very different lineages, and when he confirmed that he took this Gem to be his wife, his voice brimmed with happiness.

The title made Peridot feel as if his form were on the verge of giving out when his hearing zeroed in on—"kiss the bride." His gaze flicked from her to Steven, who considered him with nothing less than fondness—and he couldn't help but feel a rush of pity for the prince. He expected a Gem who was thrilled to be here, who was honored to take the name Lady Universe—someone who was definitely not Peridot.

He managed a weak chuckle and a passable smile moments before Steven's lips pressed to his, sealing Peridot's fate. It wasn't a bad kiss—gentle, chaste, his lips soft—but to say that it felt like anything other than being burned would have been wrong.

Almost as wrong as pretending to be a lady of the court.

♢♢♢

As long as he didn't think too deeply about the situation, Peridot found that marriage—even marriage into which he'd been strongarmed—wasn't that bad, primarily because he and his new husband rarely saw one another except in passing. Otherwise, after asking his staff to import his workshop to a spare salon in the palace, he was able to continue his tinkering and technical experiments with minimal loss of time and research. To a certain degree, he found that he was allowed a measure of freedom that even his position in Yellow Diamond's military hadn't afforded him.

Now if only he could deal with the soft murmurs of disappointment that his work left stains and singes on the dresses into which his position forced him.

Granted, the concept of "dressing" was a foreign one to most Gems, but the practice was becoming more common as Gems followed the cues and precedents set by their prince. Being the (and here Peridot barely managed to suppress a gag) wife of said prince, it was expected that he (she) would follow his lead—which lead to him standing in front of his wardrobe, attending pearls at the ready, staring down dresses of varying style and formality, all of them pink in some manner or another. He took to shirtdresses, the most masculine cut he could find, before locking himself in his workshop until dinner.

It was something to do, something to distract himself from the joke his life had become, wearing gowns and being called miss and my lady and Lady Peridot.

♢♢♢

Dinners were a curious affair—Peridot never ate, choosing instead to sit in silence with a technical journal while Steven enjoyed his meal, also mostly in silence. Tonight, though—

"Blue, could you leave us alone for a few minutes?"

Peridot looked up from his place setting, watching as Steven's most trusted pearl, a powder blue, bowed deeply before quietly excusing herself through a servants' entrance. The silence resettled around them, thick and uncomfortable, as Peridot watched Steven take a sip from his wine glass and fold his hands on the table. When he met Peridot's gaze, his expression was profoundly concerned, and Peridot had to force himself to not flinch back from it. "Can… we talk?"

Dread coiled in Peridot's stomach, his fingers twitching nervously on the linen tablecloth. "Sure."

"Is everything alright?"

For such a simple question, it felt so… loaded. "Of course—why wouldn't it be?"

"Well…" Steven gestured vaguely, seemingly trying to find a delicate way to proceed. "Some of your staff have been talking to me."

Peridot's throat tightened, and for a moment he wished he had a glass of wine of his own. "Regarding what?"

"They said you don't seem happy," he replied.

He felt his eyes widen behind his visor, which he lifted a hand to fuss with. "What gave them that impression?" What were the pearls saying, what did they know—

If Steven noticed Peridot's growing nerves, he gave no sign. "They said you prefer spending time in your workshop rather than socializing with the other noble ladies—"

"My work is still important to me," Peridot protested.

"I understand," he replied, lifting his hands in a passive gesture. "Your staff also said that you don't seem to be happy with your clothes?"

His panic redoubled, and he forced himself to swallow the strained laughter that bubbled up. "Why would I be unhappy? I have all the finery and dresses and skirts a Gem could want." A normal Gem, anyway…

"I don't know," Steven admitted. "I'm not trying to tell you how you feel or anything—I only know what I've been told."

"They—" It felt like being on a slippery cliff, clinging to the edge with trembling fingers. "I just don't think they've ever worked with a Gem from a military background."

"Most of them have," Steven pointed out, sounding damnably gentle. "That's why they were chosen for your staff."

He was going to find out. He had been nothing but kind to him, and now he was going to find out that he'd entered this is marriage under the falsest of pretenses. Peridot's mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out.

Steven looked at him, expression neutral but the words soft, almost somber. "Peridot, may I ask you a question and get an honest answer?"

He nodded quickly, not trusting his voice to crack and betray everything. "If you're unhappy, why haven't you said anything?" Steven asked. "My role as a Diamond is to ensure my people's happiness—and that applies double to you because you're my wife."

Against his better judgement, Peridot visibly winced, prompting Steven to cant his head to the side, the expression almost feline. "Is this about the arranged marriage?"

"It's about a lot of things," Peridot admitted. "Being forced into marriage is only part of it."

"Please talk to me about it, then," Steven encouraged.

Peridot shook his head. When he spoke, the words were measured, formal—distancing. "My Diamond… nothing personal but you have no idea what it's like to be me." He laid a hand on his chest, ignoring the scratch and bite of the lace at his neckline. "I don't belong in a palace, I'm a military man—"

Fuck.

For a moment, Peridot's slip of the tongue—his truth—hung heavy in the air between them, giving the room a hazy quality, like a dream. And then it sank in, like a nightmare—how could he have damned himself so casually?!

Steven's brow furrowed slightly as he seemed to process the words. "…Peridot—"

"It's just an expression!" Peridot protested, his voice rising in pitch. Way to sound innocent—

Steven pushed on, managing to silence Peridot. "Peridot… You're trans. That's not—"

At the same time, Peridot was barrelling on, fully intent on doing as much damage control as possible. Hell, if he talked fast enough, played his cards right, he might even get out of this without being shattered. "I understand if you want to consult your zircons about a divorce—"

"Whoa, whoa!" Steven lifted his hands in a placating gesture. "Who said anything about that?"

Now it was Peridot's turn to be stunned into silence. "…You're a prince," he finally mumbled. "Don't you deserve more than a defective Gem for a wife?"

"First of all—" Steven stood, slowly, and Peridot pressed himself back against his chair. "I'll thank you to not speak about yourself that way."

Peridot's mouth opened and closed, slowly, as he tried to keep up with his thought process. The fact that he'd not been shattered on sight was something of a win, but—"I… I don't understand."

Steven moved, purposefully, to the seat in which Peridot was (as much as he hated to admit it) trembling, kneeling before him with something Peridot could only describe as reverence. His height was such that even though he was kneeling, he was still able to meet Peridot's gaze, and his hands rested on Peridot's shoulders. "You're not 'defective,'" he said, the words simple but intense with their sincerity. "You're trans—that's not a shameful thing to be. Plus, you're not my wife." His hands shifted, moving to loosely grasp Peridot's. "You're my husband."

Hearing the words made Peridot's heart lurch in a way he'd never felt before—did he dare think it was a feeling of… hope? "No one will understand," he murmured softly.

Steven lifted his hands to his lips, pressing a soft, affectionate kiss to the backs of Peridot's fingers. "We'll make them understand."